When Your Needs Always Come Second: 6 Signs You’ve Married a Narcissist

While we may call people a narcissist when they post too many selfies or are noticeably vain, that doesn’t mean they actually have a narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder or NPD is a mental health condition that is characterized by an inflated sense of importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, a lack of empathy for others and trouble maintaining personal relationships. NPD is a form of extreme selfishness that exists at the expense of others and the inability to consider the feelings of others.

While NPD is a very real mental disorder, being married to someone with NPD can be a deeply traumatic experience. There are nine criteria a person has to meet to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• The belief they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, special or high-status people or institutions
• The need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement
• Interpersonally exploitative behavior
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
• Demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

Even if you know the signs of NPD, it can still be hard to spot a narcissist. If your marriage has started to seem like one long nightmare and you’re looking for how to file for a divorce in the UK because you’re worried you married a narcissist, here are six signs you can look for:

1. Incredibly charming…until they’re not

When you first start dating a narcissist, it can seem like a fairytale. They will focus intensely on you and move quickly. They can shower you with gifts, tell you how compatible you are, and emphasize how you’re meant to be together. This is something called “love bombing”. Experts say that if you meet someone and they seem to love you too quickly, then chances are it probably is too quickly and this is a red flag.

2. They talk about how great they are

People with NPD love to talk about their accomplishments and how great they are. They also may be too busy talking about themselves to even consider asking about you. If your partner won’t stop talking about themselves and shows little concern for you and your day, this is red flag number two.

3. They need you to compliment them

Everyone loves receiving compliments. However, a well-adjusted and mentally stable person won’t need constant validation of the way someone with NPD does. A narcissist will initially seem confident, but they will constantly fish for compliments to feed their overinflated ego.

4. They don’t have empathy

Empathy is key to any functioning relationship with other human beings. Narcissists don’t care when you’ve had a bad day at work or a fight with your parents. They seem bored or even angry when something makes you angry or sad. This inability to empathize is the main reason narcissists’ relationships eventually collapse. 

5. They don’t have many long-term friends

That inability to show empathy means that people with NPD rarely have long-term relationships. They may have lots of new friends that abruptly disappear from the picture, and once you dig deeper you’ll see they rarely have any connections deeper than casual acquaintances or buddies they drink with.

6. They pick on you

It might at first seem they’re just teasing or they just want you to do better, but eventually, you’ll realize that their put-downs and criticisms are non-stop. They also feed off your reactions and your suffering, because it makes them feel powerful.