A Magnifying Glass Look Into How the World’s Most Creative People Start the Day

The #WEBSITENAMEROUTINE2020 interview series focuses on the beauty, health and self-care routines of today’s most exceptional, dynamic and synergetic creators, entrepreneurs, oligarchs, innovators, artists, consultants, lobbyists, influencers and leaders. 

“My name is Jon Rafman. I’m 38 years old. I’m an artist. I believe in taking care of myself by maintaining a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 74 now. Then I write in my dream journal, lately I’ve only been having nightmares. After that I change into Ahegao hentai anime face boxer briefs and a mohair angora cashmere wool sweater and slide into Pepe the frog cotton plush slippers I tie a plastic ice pack around my face and commence with my morning Mortal Kombat inspired workout.

I stand in front of a plexiglass and lacquered wood Memphis Milano mirror and industrial bathroom sink – with soap dish, cup holder, and railings that serve as towel bars, which I bought at Hastings Tile to use while the Arabescato marble sinks I ordered from Lappeenranta are being sanded – and stare at my reflection with the ice pack still on. I pour some Propolinse Sakura into a Havitar Gundam Mug and swish it around my mouth for sixty seconds.

Then I squeeze Marvis onto a Devo Tooth Tunes Collectible Rare Punk Rock Devo Devolution Toothbrush and start brushing my teeth (too hungover to floss properly – but maybe I flossed before bed last night?) and rinse with SWISH4ENERGY, a caffeinated mouthwash popular with cyclists. 

Then I inspect my hands and use a grip strengthener, to prepare for a day of intense typing.  I take the ice-pack mask off and apply Biologique Recherche Lait VIP cleansing milk, then an escargot collagen facial masque which I leave on for ten minutes while I check my toenails. 

Next,  I use Essential Oxygen BR Tooth polisher, fluoride-free, of course, and next the Interplak tooth polisher (this in addition to the toothbrush) which has an iPhone app to set custom speeds. I set the speed to 6600 rpm. The bristles reverse direction forty-six times per second; the larger tufts clean between teeth and massage the gums while the short ones scrub the tooth surfaces. I rinse again, with SWISH4ENERGY. 

I smile into the mirror. It is finally time for a hit of Cola Ice Puff Bar. I loved cigarettes in my youth, but like landlines, magazines, genders, truth they are things of the past. I Juuled, but when the mango pods were discontinued I quit.  Now Puff Bars are my preferred means of ingesting nicotine. The universe exists as something to be experienced while vaping. I rinse again, with SWISH4ENERGY.  

I insert my Mewing Appliance, a device I recently incorporated into my routine that helps me maintain proper tongue posture. According to some friends I made on 4chan, my poor facial appearance is the result of bad tongue posture. To counteract this, I must learn to maintain proper tongue posture by flattening my tongue against the roof of my mouth. This is also known as Mewing – a technique that improves bone structure and results in an attractive face. 

My tongue is in position as I wash the cleansing milk off with purifying facial exfoliant paste. The shower has a universal all-directional shower head that adjusts within a thirty-inch vertical range. It’s made from Ukrainian gold-black brass and covered with a white enamel finish.

In the shower I use first a water-activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub by Goop. Erica Kious shampoo is especially good at getting rid of the post-web surfing coating of dried perspiration, salts, oils, airborne pollutants and dirt can weigh down hair and flatten it to the scalp which can make you look older. The conditioner is also good – silicone technology permits conditioning benefits without weighing down the hair which can also make you look older.

On weekends or before an opening I prefer to use an off-market shampoo and conditioner that help decalcify my pineal gland. Then I apply an Adrenochrome infused nutrient complex, only available through protected purchasing channels, sorry. The haircare formulas contain D-panthenol, a vitamin-B-complex factor; polysorbate 80, a cleansing agent for the scalp; and natural herbs. 

Once out of the shower and patted dry with my favorite pastel goth fursona print bath towel. I put  Ahegao hentai anime face boxer briefs back on and before applying my Mousse A Raser, a shaving foam by Terre d’Hermes, I press a hot towel against my face for two minutes to soften abrasive Ashkenazi beard hair.

Then I always slather on a moisturizing repair cream and let it soak in for a minute. You can rinse it off or keep it on and apply a shaving cream over it – preferably with a brush, which softens the beard as it lifts the whiskers – which I’ve found makes removing the hair easier. It also helps prevent water from evaporating and reduces friction between your skin and the blade. I always wet the razor with warm reverse osmosis filtered water before shaving and shave in the direction the beard grows, pressing gently on the skin. Leave the sideburns and chin for last, since these whiskers are tougher and need more time to soften. Then I rinse the razor and shake off any excess water before starting. Afterwards splash cool distilled water on my face to remove any trace of lather.

You should use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol. Never use cologne on your face, since the high alcohol content dries your face out and makes you look older. One should use an alcohol-free antibacterial toner with a water-moistened cotton ball to normalize the skin.

Applying a cellular moisturizer (to my taste, Clinique) is the final step. Splash on purified water before applying a renewal oil to soften the skin and seal in the moisture. Next apply Crème de la Mer, also made by La Mer, which is an excellent, soothing skin lotion. If the face seems dry and flaky – which makes it look dull and older – use a clarifying lotion that removes flakes and uncovers fine skin (it can also make your tan look darker).Then apply an anti-aging eye balm (Baume Des Yeux Intense) followed by a final moisturizing Cellular Swiss UV Protection lotion. A scalp-programming lotion is used after I towel my hair dry. I also lightly blow-dry the hair to give it body and control (but without stickiness) and then add more of the lotion, shaping it with a Sailor Mars Lucite Hairbrush Cherry Red Bristled brush, and finally slick it back with a wide-tooth comb.

I retrieve the copy of The Failing New York Times that lies in front of my door in the hallway and bring it with me into the kitchen where I take two Modafinil, a multivitamin and a nootropic tablet, washing them down with a large bottle of Chlorophyll Water water since my assistant, an MIT machine learning major, forgot to turn the dishwasher on when he left yesterday, and then I have to pour the Adaptogenic Golden Latte into a Peercoin tumbler I got in a swag bag at Davos last year.

Standing at the island in the kitchen I eat kiwifruit and a sliced Japanese apple-pear (they cost four dollars on Amazon Fresh) out of a Dragon Ball Z Ceramic Bowl. I take a coconut flour gluten free muffin, a spoonful of decaffeinated matcha powder and a bag of chia seeds from one of the large glass-front cabinets that make up most of an entire wall in the kitchen; complete with stainless-steel shelves and sandblasted wire glass, it is framed in a metallic dark gray-blue. I eat half of the gluten free muffin after it’s been microwaved and lightly covered with a small helping of ghee. A bowl of chia pudding with reishi powder and oat milk; another bottle of chlorophyll and a small cup of ashwagandha infused tea after that. 

The shoes I’m wearing are VetementsxReebok White And Spike 200 Sneakers. I take a few hits of my Puff Bar. Grabbing my Acronym Gore-Tex Jacket out of the closet in the entranceway I find a Gosha Rubchinskiy Paccbet scarf and matching sweater with an angel embroidered on it. I take the elevator down to my studio, rewinding my counterfeit Rolex by gently shaking my wrist. I say good morning to my studio assistants, puff on my Puff Bar, position my tongue, step outside and get in an Uber, to receive my weekly vitamin drip before heading west to The Museum of Jurassic Technology where I am vying for an elite residency.

There is an idea of a Jon Rafman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.”